When I came back from Delhi, Teja said: “I have a present for you.” And handed me this.
I said: “So what is it you want to say?”
He said: “Nothing. I just want you to blog about it. I thought you’d find it funny.”
I wonder if I can add a few more kilos to the old one, and exchange her for 2 new wives to gift my husband with. But it seems to me that the national obsession with weight and fairness is no longer very funny.
A few days ago, an interviewee who I was meeting for the 2nd time in my life said: “You’ve put on weight since the last time I saw you. Your face is bloated.” I’d met her for the 1st time, 3 weeks ago.
Later, the Canadian journalist who had been with me asked: “Was that meant to be a compliment?”
I said: “No.”
She said: “I can’t think of anyone who could say that to me in Canada, except my mother. And even my mother would have to think twice before she said anything of the sort to me.”
I shrugged and said: “It’s fairly commonplace here to comment on people’s weight the minute you see them, even if you are strangers.”
I’ve been overweight by 5 to 7 kilos in the last 12 years. That gives almost everyone the right to make personal comments that they never did when I was thin.
Or perhaps it’s just that more people make more personal comments than they ever did in the past.
People will tell you that you look tired, you look old, your hair is grey, you look sick, you look fat, the instant they see you, even when they are meeting you after years or months, and have no connection or concern with your life otherwise. I look at them and wonder, do they ever look in a mirror themselves.
A so-called friend meeting me after 5 years, pinched my arm at a party and said, “You should go to the gym, you know.” After I had walked away, she told Teja, “You ought to push her to lose weight. It looks awful.” She made sure that I became self-conscious at the party, and stopped mingling.
What I don’t understand is how commenting on anyone’s weight is going to help them in any way.
I mean, if you think I am fat because I am lazy, and you tell me I am fat, it’s hardly going to make me stop being lazy.
If you think it’s because I eat too much, your saying so is not going to make me stop being a glutton.
If it’s because I don’t exercise, catch me going to the gym because you asked me to.
If it’s because I have some medical problem like hypothyroidism, sure, your rubbing my face in the ground, is going to provide the cure.
And if it’s because I am depressed, your saying so is only going to make me more depressed.
So go get a life of your own, my ‘friends’. Or learn better manners.
Behen-ji,
I’m arranging for a flight to Hindustan so that I can hunt down your “friend” who pinched your arm at the party. I’m not making a terroristic threat against her, but then maybe I am. π I get those needle thyroid biopsies every few years, (ARGH!) only to screen cysts for cancer, no hypothyroidism. Have you ever had one of those needle aspirations in your thyroid? Now THAT I’d recommend as a manners treatment to your “friend” from the party. π Thanks for sharing, and you’re looking fabulous to me. All the best!
Sita-ji, thanks so much for your offer. Would love to see you in Hindustan, ‘friends’ or ‘no friends’ aside. No, I’ve never had any needles poked into my thyroid. It’s as much as I can stand getting a routine blood test. π It sounds really painful. Good idea to have it as a manners treatment.
I thought you may enjoy this recent post I did, inspired by plumpness:
http://bit.ly/9NvBPG π
Lovely π
Wow, those are some super bitchy people. If I were you, I’d keep a few comebacks ready like “Oh no, I’m the same size – have you had your eyes checked recently?” or “I was JUST going to say the same thing to you! What happened?” to bloat lady with an air of extreme concern and then keep drilling her about her dietary habits and put forward possible theories for her looks for the next five minutes.
All this shorsha about weight is just a modern form of bullying masquerading as a lack of manners.
Amrita, I’m usually shell-shocked by the bad manners. And comebacks come to me a day late. π¦ Totally agree on the modern form of bullying. I guess, people like that need to feel superior, one way or the other.
After not meeting/talking/seeing me for 12+ years, the 1st thing my best friend from high school posted to me on facebook was re: my bloated face. Plus 90% of the high school friends i meet on fbk say similar, weight-related stuff. And here I thought Californian were weight-obsessed! Dont feel bad Batul- only notice that every single person who is making those comments is ugly/fat/a loser themselves: a strange but true fact! π
Shweta, What is with people? I agree they are ugly/fat/losers themselves. I’d never find it in me to make similar comments myself about anyone, period. In fact, my beauty standards may be quite skewed. Because I find most people attractive, in some way. Unless they have black, mean hearts.
i am Fat- not the pleasant ‘few kilos plump’ but properly Fat.
thanks for writing about this.
in your excellent as always, humorous style, you have talked about something that was a cause of serious sadness in my growing up years
Nadi, I can just imagine the grief that people must have given you, over something so unnecessary. But I hope that’s well behind you now. To hell with such people, I say.
what worries me is commenting on someone’s appearance is what commenting on the weather has become be for the British…a “common ownership/shared” ice breaker.
Case in point I visit my mom’s after 2 years…and people are divided between giving mubarakbad over the toddler and commenting on the waistline, hair (or lack of).
What impresses me is that it cuts across class lines (why I say its common ownership!!) so perhaps Im glad that something gives Pakistanis unity amongst all the diversity!!
“Neela Bibi” starts the maid’s daughter as she kisses me hello, ” aap kafee healthy hogayee hain” (you have gained weight)
Aur skin bhee kafee kharab hogayee hain (bye bye youth)
And baalo may jo white white hai (you haggard crone you)
But it all comes from a place of love they assure me…
True, Aneela, it’s meant to be an ice-breaker. And a sign of love and concern. And yes, people from all classes feel authorized to comment. True of Indians finding something common in their diversity too. π
What Amrita said. If ‘Shall I now tell you what I think of you?’ is too subtle, you should keep a notebook with those comebacks that occur to you whenever they do, and make a big thing of taking it out, looking for the relevant heading under which you’ve stored insults and choose a good one.
Bah.
Whatever happened to ‘it’s so lovely to see you again!’ as a form of greeting?!
(-: Teja must be feeling a bit battered by all our comments, no? Bet this post ain’t what he expected! :- )
A notebook is a damn good idea. Teja said just a while ago, “No one’s commented on how I started this whole thing.” π No, he liked the post. Though he says he’s scared now of ever asking me to go for a walk, or to the gym with him, in case I write him up bad.
So long as the husband likes the weight and it’s not a health hazard, I always say plump is good. Better than a skinny body when it comes to the important things in life like having your children sleep on you, giving your husband something to grope, filling a saree out and stuff like that.
Yes, people can be very rude, but I’ve always felt that these people obsessed with weight are the ones with the problem. Certainly weight is not exactly on my mind when I’m meeting friends after ages!
Sue, yes, as long as one healthy. I don’t think about my friends’ looks either, especially when I haven’t met them in a long time, so this obsession with weight, etc, is always surprising to me.
Ohh banno! I know that constant feeling, I wonder if its just an Indian trait or if its all over the world, for people to drop all civility and greet people with a ‘hey you look dumpier than i remember’
Honestly I know I’m kinda bountiful for my age group but when the Punjabi auntian all gather around and prod, it is soo shattering and annoying at times! But saying these things as a wake up call or a blunt reminder doesn’t help either as you’ve mentioned! After quite some years of this, you just need to focus on how gorgeous you are whatever size!
I know that if I can fit into a crazy patterned frock from the tiny-sized sixties or seventies, add a dash of some Saira eyeliner, then I’m doing all right in my own way, whatever nasty people might say or gawk at!
Rum, Would love to see you in a 60s/70s frock, and Saira eyeliner. π I’d gawk too, but with pleasure. And wishing I could carry it off. Punjabi auntian must be quite ruthless. I’ve known some.
I have never been thin. Never. Okay, at times I’ve been less plump than at others, but never svelte. So I guess I should be used to be told I’m a moti (back in kindergarten) to being told “I saw your interview in the newspaper the other day. You’ve put on a lot of weight.” And someone I know met an old college friend after 20 years of leaving college. The first thing the friend says: “My goodness! You used to be so gorgeous! What happened to you?”
It’s hurtful and unfeeling and just not done.
Thank you, Banno, for a great article – you said everything I’ve been wanting to say all these years!
dustedoff, yes, that ‘you used to look so good, what happened?’ is the mother of all insults. Road-roller tactics.
The arm pincher at the party-TAPATP, for short, point her out to me the next time. please. It should be fun for her to have a radon stranger walk upto her and say ‘ahem’ polite things out of concern.
I get the inverse. “gosh, you look so tired and terrible. what happened?” Ummm, i thought I had dressed up realy nice to meet you my friend, clearly its out of love that you say ‘you look terrible.’
Sur, Dhanno wanted me to write a part 2 to this, because she gets this, “You look ill, unwell, tired, washed out” all the time. Love, ha, ha. π¦
Hi! Man, I have been thin most of my life – you know it is different for men, maybe, people made my life hell and when I was seriously fat – for an year, depression,an aberration – they actually thought it was great.
I see you haven’t responded to the last few comments, hope you don’t feel patronized now, that would be the worst.
the only difficulty, no, I don’t feel patronized. Thanks for your concern, though. I was out the last few days, therefore didn’t respond. Thin or fat, the comments keep coming, don’t they?
behena I feel what you say . I was grossly overweight last year because some medicines I took didnt agree with me . The number of male colleagues with hugely obese wives who told me I needed to lose weight were legion . Of course I got cheesed off one day and told this very concerned gent exactly where he could get off . Is it concern they are showing or being plain bitchy ?
However I would like to take up with that friend of yours . Give her a big piece of my mind .
Eve’s lungs, I don’t think it is concern. Even if it is, it is malicious. It allows the concerned person to feel superior about how fit and healthy they are. If they are.
Oh man, tell me about it! Earlier, I used to get just as annoyed, but then over time I’ve realised it’s just their way of making small talk. The English reserve the weather for this, we obsess with weight. I returned to wearing contact lenses only three days after wearing my glasses. My colleague comes up to me and says, “You’re looking unwell. Haven’t slept kya? Dark circles?!”
Beat that, Banno!
I, At least talking about the weather is not hurtful to anyone.
π Dark circles, tired skin, what next?
I heard a report on the radio recently that “studies are showing” that it’s better to have about 10-15 extra pounds (I don’t do kilos sorry) once you reach middle-age as a reserve against illness!
That made me fall over laughing for some reason. I’ve always known that! In any case: the people who matter see how beautiful you are no matter how tired you might look (or BE). I may have told you this story already, but when I came to India with my friend Bina and her parents, we went to her dad’s village in Gujarat where every evening people traipsed through the house for a solid 3 hours to have a dekho at the gori in the Patel house. None of them had anything kind to say, and one of the uncles was gleefully happy to translate it all word for word.
Bina’s relatives themselves asked if Bina looked smaller to them because she’d lost weight, or if it was because she was with her “big friend.”
Okay bas. *Big hug* and can’t wait to chow down some yummy parathas when we next meet π
Thanks, Memsaab. You always cheer me up. π
God, relatives!
Yes. parathas are the answer.
They weren’t MY relatives! My relatives would have never dreamed of saying such things!
I kind of love the “say what you think” philosophy, although of course there should be some compassionate editing to go with it. That’s the hard part to get right π