Her name is Kiara. – Cool. Like a flower-bed, no?

No, stupid, that is kyaari, this is Gaelic, means little, dark one. – Cool.

And Kiara is Priyanka Chopra – Hot.

So she gets to wear little, little shorts and little, little tops and show off her long, dark legs. – Hawwwt.

She is different, you know, suicidal, very edgy. She even has lots of slash marks on her wrists. – Hmmm.

No, no, don’t worry. She’s still cute, you know, she has all these cute gestures, much like Jennifer Aniston, the pouts, and the giggles, and the flick of her hair. – Cool.

She is a modern girl you know, she drinks and all, and knows all the party joints in Vegas also. – Cool.

She also sleeps around. – Hmmm?

No, actually, she has a boyfriend. But whatever happens between them is very innocent because they knew each other since they were 3. So you know, played doctors and all that together. – Hmmm.

No, no, we don’t see anything of that though. This is a Hindi film. – Cool.

We only see their names carved on a seesaw, Kiara and Kunal. Kunal is Zaeed Khan, by the way. – Really. OK.

And then with other men, we think she has slept with them, but actually she hasn’t. – Good.

Because underneath all her fun-loving exterior, she still loves her childhood boyfriend. – Hot.

And she is loyal to him. – Good.

Even when he is not. – Kunal?

That makes her desperate enough to kill herself. – Hmm.

But she looks glamorous through all of it, so not to worry – OK.

Even when she’s drowning, her makeup doesn’t wash off. – Cool.

And she is so modern she sleeps in the same bed as Ranbir Kapoor, no problem. – Cool.

I mean, she eyes him and all, specially when he comes out of the bathroom, shirtless, showing off his 6 packs. – Hot.

And she also helps him to pick up a girl. Because he is a virgin. – Wow!

But he wants love. Before he dies. Which is to be soon. – Cool.

She also has a father. – Hmmm.

But he is also very modern. He lets her be. He comes once to ask her if Kunal has not shown up for her birthday. Then she disappears from his life, and goes around trying to kill herself. But he lets her be. – Cool.

And then he is happy when she turns up again. And asks no questions. – Cool. All fathers could learn a lesson from this guy.

Anyway, so she is very modern, so she works as a waitress. Because she’s been so busy with luub and all since she was 3, that I don’t think she went to school or college. Now she’s so busy with her luub and death plans, that she always turns up late, and gets fired. – Cool.

But she still has a car, and an apartment, and enough money for a holiday, because she is going to die anyway.

And remember, she has lots of sexy clothes. – Hot.

And anyway, she doesn’t really want to do anything except kill herself, or fall in love. – Cool.

And even the killing herself bits are all fun, really. You know, funny things happen. So not to worry.

And when she loses a man, she finds another. And that man is Ranbir Kapoor, who she has been eyeing you know, and sleeping with in the same bed.

So of course, they fall in love.

And dying gets postponed for a bit.

Because then she needs to get proposed to. And get a diamond ring. While drowning. You know, like a proposal which is all fancy and amazing. And they even have a hot, hot kiss in the cold, cold water. – ‘Oh My God!’.

And she gets married, and has babies.

And she still looks very hot years later, only her pants are longer. – Cool.

And of course, she gives up slashing her wrists. I think.